Stargazing for Beginners Read online

  We stare at each other across the table. Ed’s chin is slightly raised and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look this arrogant. I feel so angry with him right now that I don’t think I can eat my roll.

  I turn away and sip my hot chocolate even though it burns my throat. I hear Ed tear open his crisps.

  Then I notice that my phone is vibrating on the table. I snatch it up and see that it’s an unknown number. Immediately I think it’s someone at the nursery. ‘I’ve got to take this,’ I mutter, pushing back my chair and walking out of the cafe.

  ‘Hello?’ I say as the door bangs shut behind me.

  ‘Meg?’ Mum’s familiar voice rings out. ‘Is that you, baby?’

  THIRTY-THREE

  As Mum describes the village she’s staying in, I walk away from the cafe. I take a left, then a right, then I keep on going until I’m halfway up a grassy slope.

  ‘The medical centre is very basic, Meg, but the people are wonderful. There are no street lights so you can see thousands of stars at night. You’d love it!’

  I sit down with my back against a wall and wait for her to stop.

  ‘They need help so much, sweetheart. I know that I’m making a real difference …’ She pauses for a moment, then says, ‘How’s Elsa?’

  ‘She’s fine.’

  ‘What did she have for breakfast today?’ The line is starting to sound crackly. ‘Is Dad remembering to put on her eczema cream?’

  I think back to this morning. ‘She had Weetabix and banana … Hang on. Elsa’s got eczema?’

  ‘Weetabix and what? I can’t hear you, Meg.’

  ‘Banana!’ I shout. ‘Banana!’

  ‘Did Dad warm the milk?’

  I stare at the distant hills. ‘Mum, we’re not at Grandad’s. I decided to look after her at the flat. Grandad’s house is such a state and I knew I’d end up looking after him too.’

  ‘So, what, the two of you are on your own each night?’ For the first time, I can hear worry in her voice.

  ‘Yes, and we’re doing just fine.’ I stop talking. My throat hurts. I’m not sure if I can speak without crying. ‘I just thought it would be easier this way.’

  ‘You should be staying with Dad.’ Mum says this as though somehow this whole situation is my fault.

  ‘No, we shouldn’t,’ I snap back. ‘He falls asleep smoking, Mum. The other day I found his chickens in the street – he’d just gone out on his bike and left everything unlocked.’ I’ve got a hard, angry ache in my chest. ‘You should have known Elsa and I couldn’t stay with him.’

  After a moment, Mum says. ‘Well, I bet you’re doing brilliantly, Meg. Elsa probably hasn’t even noticed I’ve gone.’

  ‘She has!’ My voice comes out loud, like I need her to hear this wherever she is in Myanmar. ‘She misses you.’

  ‘Meg, I’ll be home in a week. If you could see the work we’re doing here, you’d understand why I had to come. They need me.’

  We need you, I think, but I don’t say it. It’s like I don’t think she deserves to know. Instead, I say, ‘You know I’ve got the NASA competition next Saturday?’

  ‘I said I’ll be back in a week. Look, I’m going to have to go. I’m on someone else’s phone.’ I can sense her pulling back from me, trying to get further away than she already is. I imagine the sun shining down on her, glittering on her bracelets and I feel so angry that I don’t trust myself to speak. ‘Thank you for looking after Elsa, but remember your grandad’s probably not as hopeless as you think. You can always take her round there if it gets too much for you. Big hugs, my love!’

  The line crackles then goes dead.

  I thought speaking to Mum would make me feel better, that I might understand why she thought it was OK to just leave us like she did, but I feel even worse than I did before. I shut my eyes and rest my head back against the wall. Somewhere a bird is singing. It’s so peaceful here, but my mind is all tangled up. I get that Mum is helping people – when she puts her mind to something she can do amazing things. I should probably feel proud that she’s just dropped everything to go and help them.

  But I don’t feel proud. I feel jealous. Jealous that they’ve got her and that I haven’t. And angry because she found it so easy to leave us.

  I’ve spent so much time wanting to be free from Mum and the chaos she brings into my life, but now it’s happened, I feel more tied to her than ever before.

  THIRTY-FOUR

  ‘Oi, Meg!’ I open my eyes. At the bottom of the slope, Ed is shading his eyes and looking up at me. ‘I’ve been looking for you everywhere.’

  I get up and brush grass off my trousers. I’ve been sitting here so long my legs have gone dead. ‘No one asked you to.’

  He gives me an uncertain smile. ‘You all right?’

  I join him on the path. ‘Yep. Just … thinking.’

  ‘About quantum mechanics?’

  ‘Something like that.’

  ‘I’ve got your bag,’ he holds it up, ‘and I’m lost. Can you use your superior skills to get us back to the physics department?’

  ‘OK.’

  We start walking along a covered walkway. ‘So who was that?’ says Ed.

  ‘My mum.’

  He looks at me curiously. ‘You ran off fast.’

  ‘The reception was bad.’

  ‘My mum’s always ringing me, but I let it go to voicemail.’ He starts telling me about how his mum gets in touch if he’s one minute late from school and that once she got him pulled out of football practice to check he was OK. I let him talk, saying the occasional ‘mmm’, and at the same time leading us back to the physics department.

  ‘Hang on,’ he says as we walk towards the classroom. ‘Are you still angry with me? Are you not speaking to me?’

  ‘I’m speaking.’

  ‘Only just. You do realise that we still haven’t heard each other do our presentations and the competition is just under two weeks away?’

  I stop outside the door to the classroom and shrug. I can’t even begin to explain how little I care about the competition right now. ‘Stop being so uptight, Ed,’ I say. ‘You need to let your hair down.’

  ‘God, you’re annoying,’ he says. ‘I think I might have preferred it when you were being all silent and lurking.’ Then he turns away from me and walks into the room.

  Ms Edgecombe looks up. ‘You two are late.’

  ‘Ah, leave them alone, Miss,’ says Bella. ‘Ed was asking Meg to the dance!’

  I freeze in the doorway and all the conversations taking place in the room stop too. Bella’s hand flies up to her mouth. ‘Sorry!’ she says.

  As I feel a blush creeping up my cheeks, Ed shakes his head and smiles. ‘Seriously, shut up, Bella.’

  She bursts out laughing. ‘What happened? Did she say no?’

  He goes to his seat and throws his bag under the bench. ‘Very funny,’ he says. ‘Finished yet?’

  I go over to my desk. Once again, I’m stuck in the middle of one of their jokes: the one about how hilarious it would be if Meg Clark went to the dance with Ed King. Ever since Bella turned up in science with her pink ticket, I’ve been waiting for her to say something like this. It looks like Ed and I meeting up at lunchtime has given her all the inspiration she needs.

  ‘Meg,’ Bella says, ‘why don’t you want to go out with Ed? Is it because he’s not as interesting as that dot in the sky?’

  I unzip my pencil case and get out a pen as Ms Edgecombe says, ‘Let’s get back to work.’

  ‘But Ed’s lovely, Miss!’

  Across the room, there are giggles and whispers, and I can feel people staring at my back. Suddenly all the anger I’ve been feeling towards Mum, and towards Bella and Ed boils up inside me.

  I bang down my pen and turn to face them.

  Bella looks delighted.

  ‘I would never go out with Ed,’ I say, jabbing my finger in his direction. ‘And even if that “dot” – otherwise known as asteroid TR7768 – hit Earth and wiped out every single
human being except Ed, I still wouldn’t go out with him!’

  Bella grins. ‘What if the survival of the human race depended on it?’

  Behind her, Ed sighs and shakes his head.

  ‘Well, goodbye human race!’ I say, and I actually wave at her before spinning back round.

  There’s this moment of silence before everyone collapses with laughter. I stare at my pencil case. It’s got the periodic table printed on it so it’s a good pencil case to stare at. Co: cobalt, Ni: nickel, Cu: copper, I read, but my stupid words are still ringing painfully in my ears. Otherwise known as asteroid TR7768 … Goodbye human race? What was I thinking? Why didn’t I just ignore her? This is why I avoid talking: bad things happen when I open my mouth!

  Ms Edgecombe puts a worksheet in front of me and gives my shoulder a squeeze. ‘Ed’s better than extinction,’ she says quietly.

  When we get back to school, I’m the first person off the minibus. The last workshop was terrible. Everyone on my table kept asking me if I’d go out with them in the event of an apocalypse and then they moved on to celebrities and then animals – Meg, what about a really hot woodlouse? The fact that I was ignoring them didn’t put them off. In fact, I’d say it only encouraged them. Bella and Ed were strangely quiet, though, and now I’m worried that they’ve realised the joke went too far and one of them will try to apologise. I put my head down and walk straight out of the school gates. I just want to forget that this afternoon ever happened.

  I find Grandad in the flat giving Elsa the bubbliest bath I’ve ever seen. ‘I’ve been experimenting,’ he says, tipping something pink into the water, ‘and you’d be amazed, and possibly horrified, by what makes the best bubbles.’

  Elsa smiles at me through a bubble beard. ‘Beb … beb!’ she says.

  ‘Great,’ I say, flopping down on the toilet seat. I’m guessing Grandad doesn’t know about Elsa’s eczema either.

  Grandad looks at me. ‘You all right? Did the trip go well?’

  ‘Mum rang.’

  Grandad’s face lights up. ‘How is she?’

  ‘Great. She’s having an amazing time.’

  ‘Beb!’ shouts Elsa. She’s standing up now and reaching for me. ‘Beb!’

  We look at her. ‘I think she’s saying your name,’ says Grandad.

  ‘Beb,’ says Elsa, and I pick her up out of the water. She throws her arms round my neck, soaking my school uniform.

  Whatever Grandad put in the bath, it’s made her very slippery. ‘That’s right,’ I say, resting my head against her soapy hair. ‘I’m Meg.’ Then I hold on tight to her, even though she’s wriggling to get away.

  THIRTY-FIVE

  I force myself to go to school the next day. I haven’t had a day off school since Year Eight and I’m not going to start now just because I freaked out at some stupid joke. I get a lot of amused looks from people who were on the trip, but I ignore them, hold my head high and walk straight to my first lesson – maths. As soon as I’m seated, I put my head down and start working so I can be totally distracted when Ed turns up.

  A few minutes after the lesson has begun, I hear him sit next to me. I keep scribbling numbers as if my life depends on it. Luckily, we’re doing a practice exam paper so we’re not allowed to talk and at the end of the lesson, Ed’s up and out of his seat before I’ve even put my books away.

  I guess he wants to ignore me just as much as I want to ignore him.

  It’s a relief to get to Biscuit Club – a place where I can be certain I won’t run into Bella or Ed. While Mr Curtis is off making our cups of tea, Jackson tells us about some gruesome accident at the skate park. Suddenly, Annie interrupts him and says, ‘I want to hear about Meg’s trip.’ She smiles at me and there’s something about her smile, something that makes me wonder what she’s heard.

  I start to tell them about the research lab and all the amazing things I saw. Then, because they’re all watching me and listening, and because somehow just talking about yesterday is making me feel better, I find myself telling them how Bella called me Mega Knickers and about going to the cafe with Ed. ‘And then,’ I say, ‘Ed told me I should let my hair down.’

  Annie is outraged on my behalf, just like I want her to be. ‘He’s so smug,’ she says. ‘I hate the way he and his mates sort of roll round the school with their hands in their pockets, looking for someone to mock.’

  ‘Eurch!’ says Jackson, from his beanbag. ‘They put their hands in their pockets? What scum! People like that don’t deserve to live.’

  ‘Shut up,’ snaps Annie. ‘You don’t get it because you’re a hands-in-the-pockets person yourself. In fact, why are you even here? You should be out in the corridors with them right now, mocking!’

  Jackson laughs. ‘Oh, like you don’t mock, Annie?’

  She doesn’t use her words to answer him. She uses a single finger.

  ‘Ed didn’t laugh at me,’ says Rose. Sometimes, until she speaks, you can almost forget she’s sitting there.

  ‘Explain,’ says Annie.

  ‘Well, once I was taking a photo of an oily puddle because it had a rainbow in it and Raj said, “Do you think it’s unicorn wee?” You know, laughing at me because –’

  ‘You believe in unicorns?’ says Annie.

  ‘Exactly. Then Ed said, “I think it’s a cool puddle”!’ She smiles round at us as if she’s just proved Ed’s some sort of saint.

  ‘Can I see the photo?’ says Jackson, totally missing the point, and Rose pulls out her phone.

  Annie turns to me. ‘So was that it? Did anything else happen?’

  ‘Just some mind-blowing physics.’

  ‘Right …’ she says, narrowing her eyes. ‘You sure that was all?’

  I pause. I haven’t mentioned the whole Ed-date thing. It’s just too humiliating to share. But what Bella said about Ed asking me to that dance has been driving me crazy – even for Bella, it was a strange thing to say and kind of came out of nowhere – and I’d love to talk to someone about it. Plus Annie’s still got that knowing look on her face. What’s the point of keeping quiet if she’s already heard about it?

  I glance over at Jackson and Rose, to check they’re still engrossed in unicorn wee. ‘There was one other thing.’

  ‘I knew it!’ she says, sitting back and smiling. ‘You’ve got this frown on your face … I mean, a bigger one than usual. So what happened?’

  Quickly, I tell her about the whole Ed-dance conversation, describing exactly what Bella said and how Ed just sat there, shaking his head and laughing. And then I tell her what I said about the asteroid wiping out everyone on Earth. I even tell her about my wave.

  Annie stares at me. ‘Meg, you have got to work on your put-downs.’

  ‘I was embarrassed. I said the first thing that came into my head!’

  ‘Obviously.’

  ‘And today has been so bad: Ed won’t look at me, people who were on the trip won’t stop looking at me, and Bella’s just had this smile on her face …’ I trail off because Annie’s eyes have gone wide.

  ‘You don’t think …’ she says.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You don’t think that Bella could have been serious? Maybe Ed really was going to ask you to the dance. Maybe your whole nerd-look gives Ed the hots!’

  ‘What? No!’ I shake my head.

  ‘Go to the dance with him! I’m going. We could hang out together and embarrass boys by asking them to dance.’

  ‘Annie, Ed didn’t ask me to the dance: it was just a joke of Bella’s! I’ve been sitting next to Ed King in lessons for nearly four years and he only speaks to me if he’s got something sarcastic or competitive to say.’

  ‘Boys are weird, Meg. One way you know for certain that they like you is if they throw something at you. Has he ever done that?’

  I think for a moment. ‘Never.’

  ‘Well, does he look at you? You know, like this …’ Annie opens her eyes wide, tilts her head to one side and gazes at me.

  I can’t help laughing
. ‘Ed only ever looks at me if he has to, like if he needs to borrow a pen.’

  She narrows her eyes. ‘How often does he do that?’

  ‘I don’t know, a few times a week?’

  ‘Oh my God!’ Annie grabs my arm and squeezes her green nails into my flesh. ‘Ed doesn’t need pens. He’s like you, a stationery perv.’

  ‘What? How do you know that?’

  ‘Because I watch people, Meg, and I see everything.’ She lowers her voice. ‘Rose, for example, only wears make-up on the days that we have Biscuit Club – read into that what you will – and Ed King has two pencil cases: the typical scuzzy boy one he gets out in lessons, with a ruler and a broken pen in it, and a backup that he keeps in his bag that is literally bulging with writing implements!’

  ‘So you’re saying that every time Ed asks me if he can borrow a pen …’

  ‘He’s using it as an excuse to melt into your super-clever eyes and check out your geek-rack!’

  I cross my arms. ‘No way. I don’t have a geek-rack. I don’t have any type of rack!’

  ‘We’ve all got racks, Meg.’

  Just as I’m about to tell her to shut up, my phone starts to vibrate. Mr Curtis is still out of the room so I take it out of my pocket. It’s a message from Little Acorns: Elsa is running a temperature and her nappies are nasty. I’ve tried to ring home, but your mum’s not answering and her mobile’s switched off. Please can you or your grandad come and collect Elsa asap. Thanks!

  ‘What’s the matter?’ says Annie.

  I look up. ‘It’s my sister. She’s ill and the nursery wants me to take her home.’

  ‘Can’t your mum do it?’

  ‘No. She’s busy. I’ll try my grandad.’ I ring his house but he doesn’t pick up and his mobile goes straight to voicemail. ‘No answer,’ I say.

  ‘OK, so just tell Mr Curtis when he gets back. He’ll let you go if it’s an emergency.’

  I think about the questions Mr Curtis will ask, how he’ll want to speak to my mum to check I’m allowed out of school. The panic that I’m becoming so used to bubbles up inside me, making me feel hot all over. ‘No. I can’t do that.’